Thursday, February 10, 2011
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Welcome Home...
I started looking back recently... looking back at old friends... college days... high school days. It brings back a wonderful sense of where we came from. Sadly it can also drum up our shoulda-coulda-woulda's. I don't regret the choices I have made in my life at all. I have a beautiful marriage, four awesome kids, dogs a cat, chickens, ducks and lovely friends. My only regrets that come to me in a huge wave of emotion when I look backward, relate to all the people I have lost touch with. Those people that get carried away in a different wave and brought to a different beach than the one I washed up on. FB, email, LinkedIn allow me to attempt to reconnect and discover where lives have been brought etc. Its so hard and painful sometimes to examine memories... for me the good memories are almost more painful... they are over, and we can only watch them like a video instead of bringing those people back with us. Not necessarily those that have passed over, but the way people were then. What made them smile and laugh - what made me smile and laugh then versus now.
I have been a clairvoyant all my life but for the past fifteen years or so, I have offered readings etc. to people to help them reconnect with themselves, their passed over loved ones and their angels or guides. I have been the person who connects people with some of their old memories and for a minute they connect with something and it brings both joy and sadness. Probably an emotion that doesn't even have a name. I think the month of January brings many of us to that point - of examining the past and seeing what we have made of ourselves. Are we pleased with where we are or do we have alot more work to do? I try to spend more time thinking about if I am a good person, if I like who I am, would I be friends with myself?
Its funny that for me looking back also brings with a sense of fury and anger. Why did I allow so and so to do that? Looking at how many times I was a doormat or how many times I perhaps abused a relationship with someone else. We all have these situations. I wish I could create a giant eraser and just wipe out those things that make me feel ooky. AND then my AHA moment comes... these are things I need to keep alive, if tucked away, in a corner of my mind. Safe in their own box, but I will open it when I need to be reminded that I am not all that and a bag of chips. When a slice of humble pie is in order. I quantify for myself that I not only get hurt but I am also capable of AND have hurt others whether intentional or not.
So today, in an effort to absorb and integrate all these feelings, I reached out to church - religion...something bigger to help guide me as mother, wife, sister, friend, daughter, person... I was nervous, it has been a long while since I attended church. There aren't many churches that embrace people who are clairvoyant - like we are devil children. I was wondering if upon passing the threshold I would be immediately burnt to the core and dissolving into dust before my family's eyes. But to my amazement, I was unnoticed. A blip on the screen. Able to sit aside my family and listen to children who were louder than mine... to soak it all in. And then, we were guided to turn to a hymn in the hymnal, and I started to sing along. This hymn was one that I sang as a solo in high school. I don't think I have sung it since then. And during that hymn, a voice came to me, clairvoyantly, and said loudly and firmly, Welcome Home. As if it say, all is forgiven, you are welcome here.
I do not know who the voice was nor do I really care at this point. It was a poignant moment for me and one that I will be thankful for quite some time to come. I hope all who read this receive a Welcome Home from someone or someplace. Something that reminds you that you are worthy, that you are innately good, that we all get to start each day over with a clean slate. No matter what your past holds, its OK, we get to pick up a new canvas each day and paint ALL over again.
I have been a clairvoyant all my life but for the past fifteen years or so, I have offered readings etc. to people to help them reconnect with themselves, their passed over loved ones and their angels or guides. I have been the person who connects people with some of their old memories and for a minute they connect with something and it brings both joy and sadness. Probably an emotion that doesn't even have a name. I think the month of January brings many of us to that point - of examining the past and seeing what we have made of ourselves. Are we pleased with where we are or do we have alot more work to do? I try to spend more time thinking about if I am a good person, if I like who I am, would I be friends with myself?
Its funny that for me looking back also brings with a sense of fury and anger. Why did I allow so and so to do that? Looking at how many times I was a doormat or how many times I perhaps abused a relationship with someone else. We all have these situations. I wish I could create a giant eraser and just wipe out those things that make me feel ooky. AND then my AHA moment comes... these are things I need to keep alive, if tucked away, in a corner of my mind. Safe in their own box, but I will open it when I need to be reminded that I am not all that and a bag of chips. When a slice of humble pie is in order. I quantify for myself that I not only get hurt but I am also capable of AND have hurt others whether intentional or not.
So today, in an effort to absorb and integrate all these feelings, I reached out to church - religion...something bigger to help guide me as mother, wife, sister, friend, daughter, person... I was nervous, it has been a long while since I attended church. There aren't many churches that embrace people who are clairvoyant - like we are devil children. I was wondering if upon passing the threshold I would be immediately burnt to the core and dissolving into dust before my family's eyes. But to my amazement, I was unnoticed. A blip on the screen. Able to sit aside my family and listen to children who were louder than mine... to soak it all in. And then, we were guided to turn to a hymn in the hymnal, and I started to sing along. This hymn was one that I sang as a solo in high school. I don't think I have sung it since then. And during that hymn, a voice came to me, clairvoyantly, and said loudly and firmly, Welcome Home. As if it say, all is forgiven, you are welcome here.
I do not know who the voice was nor do I really care at this point. It was a poignant moment for me and one that I will be thankful for quite some time to come. I hope all who read this receive a Welcome Home from someone or someplace. Something that reminds you that you are worthy, that you are innately good, that we all get to start each day over with a clean slate. No matter what your past holds, its OK, we get to pick up a new canvas each day and paint ALL over again.
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